Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Running your mouth is not cardio.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”