Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Oh my God.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth