Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
If I ignore life will it go away?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air