So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Jail
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.