It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
You Might Also Like
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.