I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.