*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.