My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Does your wife know you’re single?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
had to share :’)
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
#math
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.