Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Dear Lord..
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Can Happiness buy money?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.