wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?