*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Check your privilege
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.