When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…