the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
You can’t outrun your problems…
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX