One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My last name is Zilla.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO