ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
You Might Also Like
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
meow
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom