I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved