[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.