Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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I’m going to need a moment here.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.