You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke