If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?