[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?