Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..