Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Got ya covered
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight