Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
You’ll be OK
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?