Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
you stereotypes are all alike
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.