took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.