Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!