“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
This is amazing.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am