Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what