Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.