Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions