Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]