I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
no cat here
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox