so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I missed you with all my darts
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY