The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Saturday
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?