I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon