My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Hero horse inspires millions
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES