me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs