Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.