My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You Might Also Like
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
The only equipped I am is ill.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot