HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.