Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Smile they said.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.