My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
You Might Also Like
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.