“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.