Autocorrect completely socks
You Might Also Like
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed