hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.