The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
#Caturday
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
When he asks for feet pics
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.