I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
called in thicc to work this morning
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!