You Might Also Like
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.