A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.